After the Awakening.

Notes from a life lived in alignment — or at least trying to be.

I Thought I Knew Who I Was

I’ve spent years studying my Divine Soul Blueprint, my Human Design, my Gene Keys, my astrology. Thousands of dollars on courses, certifications, books, tools. I can tell you what every gate means, every line, every channel. I know my organizing principle, my manifesting blueprint, my soul’s origination.

I thought I knew myself.

But I was only scratching the surface.

The Awakening

It started in 2021. I kept seeing this ad about Soul Realignment – something about understanding why you can’t manifest. I ignored it for weeks. But it kept showing up.

One Sunday afternoon, I thought: Why not? It’s free.

I signed up for the webinar. I had no idea what Soul Realignment was. No idea what the Akashic Records were. But everything clicked. The law of karma. How I had been creating the life I had – which sounds harsh, but it’s true. I was allowing all these things.

I thought: I need to do this. To heal myself.

At that point, I was spending thousands on my healer, a spiritual life coach, and therapy. All at once. I figured: with how much I’ve been spending on all of that, I can do this too. It was an $800 USD investment (more in Canadian dollars). And I had zero interest in doing it for anyone else. This was just for me.

A couple weeks in, I realized: I have to share this. I can’t NOT share this.

But here’s the thing – I didn’t relate to my own blueprint at all. That’s how out of alignment I was.

It took about six months before I had that “oh shit” moment. That’s when I manifested my car – which is a whole other crazy story.

Then came Human Design in 2022. Someone told me about it and I thought: This is SO complicated. Too much. Nope. I shut it out.

But once you dip into it, you can’t unknow it. So I started diving in. I jumped into courses. Spent thousands more on Human Design specifically – because I thought: If I can just understand my Human Design, my Mercury (my messaging), that’s how I’m gonna make my millions. Because here’s another coach who did exactly that.

I did the full Human Design reader training. I’m a trained reader. I did a few readings. I even inspired other people to go learn it themselves.

That’s when I had the idea: combine the Divine Soul Blueprint, Human Design, and astrology. Because I was seeing how all these pieces came together, overlapped, gave different layers.

Then Gene Keys. More investment. More tools. I have these really cool card decks I bought to use with clients.

I was ALL IN on understanding myself.

The Obsession

I became obsessed. I studied everything.

Soul Realignment had levels. Level 1 was my blueprint. Then the Manifesting Blueprint. Level 2. Level 3. How to specifically manifest money. How to read the future in the Records. Transformational Marketing and Sacred Sales (so I could use the framework in my business). Vital Force Energy Mastery. Then Advanced Vital Force Energy – a 9-month program to deprogram and rewire DNA.

Then learning how to guide people into their own Records for an immersive experience. Then using Soul Realignment for physical healing support.

So many books. So many courses. So many tools.

I wanted to learn it for myself. But also to be able to use it with other people.

But here’s what’s interesting: The more I dove into all of this, the less I was actually doing anything for other people.

I was doing Soul Realignment readings at first. But the deeper I dove into trying to obsessively analyze myself and figure myself out – especially around “how can I make money?” – the more I pulled back from actually working with clients.

I was spending so much time in the 4th and 5th dimensions – in the hypothetical, in the future possibilities, in the concepts.

I wasn’t actually doing it in the 3rd dimension. Which is embodying it.

Which, as someone with Divine Manifestation as my primary gift – a gift that’s ALL about the physical, tangible, embodied experience – is kind of ironic.

The Gap I Couldn’t See

I felt like there was still a gap. That’s why I needed to study more, learn more. I kept thinking the next course, the next level, the next tool would give me THE answer.

Instead of realizing it was actually quite simple.

The more I learned, the more confused I got. The more out of alignment I became.

I think, as a 4/6 in Human Design (currently on the roof, integrating everything before I come down as a Role Model), I got to this space where I was so confused between the concepts and actually living them.

I think I subconsciously knew I wasn’t embodied. And I didn’t feel confident teaching something I wasn’t actually living.

So I kept waiting. Waiting to have it all figured out before I could actually DO anything.

Maybe one more thing would give me the answer.

Spoiler: It didn’t.

I can’t tell you how many documents and files I have. How much money I spent on “maybe THIS is gonna give me the answer.”

The Reckoning

The shift started happening in that 9-month Advanced Vital Force Energy program. My income was drying up. My coach/teacher kept saying: You need to actually start DOING stuff.

I remember thinking: Crap. I’m not doing. I’m planning, I’m writing, but I’m not actually DOING. And when I think I’m doing, I’m only dipping my toe in. Teasing it. Not following through.

Perfectionism was definitely at play.

Then came the health wake-up call.

I became severely anemic. It explained why I was so exhausted, why everything felt so hard. I was able to reverse the anemia pretty quickly with my naturopath’s help (though my ferritin is still a mess).

But at one appointment, I asked why this was making me gain weight. She retested my adrenals – something she’d tested back in 2018 when I was still in my marriage, when things were really bad.

She said: “Your adrenals are WORSE than they were then. You’re in serious adrenal fatigue.”

I was shocked. For real? But I feel so much better! I’m no longer in that toxic environment!

But then I looked at the reality: I’d just gone through a pandemic. I was a single parent, completely solely responsible for both my kids. Life, finances, all of it – with no child support or spousal support. Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Alone. For years at this point (this was 2023/2024, so 3-4 years of this).

Oh. Yeah. While I wasn’t in a toxic marriage anymore, I was still in a super high-stress situation. I just didn’t realize it because it was SO much less stressful than before.

I came home and pulled out this book I have: The Body is the Barometer of the Soul. I looked up adrenals.

It said: “Loyalty to self is required for action. Fears, doubts, and no belief in self stops action so you do nothing.”

I sat there staring at that sentence.

Wow.

I wasn’t taking action. Not REAL action.

The Doing That Wasn’t Doing

So I started doing more. I was the master of multitasking. The master of doing, doing, doing, doing, doing.

But nothing was shifting the needle. Things weren’t improving.

Through Soul Realignment’s physical healing support work, I discovered I had conflicting 4th-dimensional instructions running:

One from 25 years ago (when I first became an entrepreneur): “Go on a wild goose chase” in the area of rest and relaxation.

Another from about a year prior (during that 9-month program): “Snowball effect” in finances.

The combined energetic state? Resentful.

I was fighting against myself. One instruction saying GO. The other saying NOT. Pushing and pushing, creating MORE resistance, not less.

The pushing wasn’t helping. The doing MORE wasn’t the answer.

What Embodiment Actually Is

So what IS the difference between knowing your design and actually living it?

For me, it came down to this:

When I was in my HEAD about my design:

  • I followed all the protocols (Protein! Productivity! Do more!)
  • I multi-tasked constantly (work + TV + phone, three things at once, never closing tabs)
  • I pushed through exhaustion and pain (proving my worth through doing)
  • I felt guilty when I wasn’t being “productive”
  • I felt obligated to all the things (even though Divine Power needs absolute freedom)

Now that I’m learning to EMBODY it:

  • I listen to MY BODY, not external “shoulds”
  • I do ONE thing at a time (actually resting when I rest)
  • I let myself have physical pleasure without guilt (cozy blankets, warm baths, food I actually enjoy)
  • I don’t eat what the protocol says if it makes me feel like garbage
  • I let go of the obligation

Here’s what my Divine Soul Blueprint actually says about my Divine Manifestation gift:

“Health issues caused by not resonating. Misalignment shows up in money and wellness. For me, it’s all about the physical experience. I need physical pleasure. Don’t get over-ambitious or into perfectionism. Stay in the experiential pleasure. Focus on the WOW of this experience. Enjoyment is in food as an experience. Don’t get stuck in the mental realm of thought. All about the lusciousness of the physical experience.”

And for my Divine Power gift:

“I need to make sure I can’t be tied down. No obligation. No accountability to things. Having possibilities makes me happy. Money in the account is a must. Allow money to set me free. Time scarcity is a no-no. Focus on rewards, not labor. Independence is a must.”

Reading those now, after years of studying my blueprint?

I was living the OPPOSITE of my design.

I was:

  • Stuck in my head (not in the physical experience)
  • Over-ambitious and perfectionist (not allowing pleasure)
  • Obligated to everything (no freedom)
  • Making money but it all went to bills (no rewards, no freedom)
  • In time scarcity constantly (rushing, pushing, exhausting myself)

No wonder my body was screaming at me. Weight gain. Pain. Exhaustion. Adrenal fatigue worse than when I was in an abusive marriage.

I knew my blueprint intellectually. But I wasn’t LIVING it.

Where I Am Now

I’m 48, about to turn 49. In Human Design, I’m in my final year “on the roof” before I come down as a Role Model at 50. I’m also in my Chiron return – a once-in-a-lifetime astrological event where my deepest wound around worthiness gets its final healing before it becomes my teaching.

And I’m finally understanding what embodiment actually means.

Over the holidays, I practiced:

  • Actually resting (binging shows, watching Hallmark Christmas movies, just BEING)
  • Eating what feels good to me (not what the high-protein protocol says I “should” eat)
  • Using heating pads, soft blankets, warm baths
  • Doing one thing at a time
  • Letting go of the guilt around “not being productive”

I’m realizing that a huge key to my abundance is allowing myself to just enjoy myself.

Being in nature. Movement (when my body allows it). Anything that feels good. Maximizing pleasure. Being in the fullness of the experience.

Not getting over-ambitious. Staying in the feel-good part of it.

Simple. Physical. Pleasurable. Free.

That’s what my design actually IS. Not the complexity I kept trying to master. Not the endless studying. Not the pushing and proving and exhausting myself.

The Invitation

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself – you’ve studied your chart, done all the trainings, spent thousands on courses and certifications, but something still feels… off?

Maybe you’re living in your head about your design instead of actually IN your design.

Maybe you’re doing what you think you “should” do based on what you learned, instead of what actually feels aligned in your body.

Maybe you’re waiting to have it all figured out before you allow yourself to actually LIVE it.

Here’s what I’m discovering:

You don’t need one more course. One more certification. One more framework to finally “get it.”

You need to close the laptop. Put down the book. Stop studying.

And start LIVING.

Listen to your body. Do what feels good. Let go of the obligation. Stop proving your worth through pushing and doing.

Your design isn’t something to figure out. It’s something to FEEL.

And maybe – like me – you’ll realize you’ve known who you are all along.

You just forgot to actually BE it.

I’m currently offering Soul Architecture Readings – a comprehensive integration of your Divine Soul Blueprint, Human Design, Astrology, and Gene Keys. Not to give you more information to study, but to show you what LIVING your design actually looks like. https://tidycal.com/lindsaygrace/soul-architecture

I’m also relaunching Soul Unscripted Season 2 – real conversations about what embodiment actually looks like in practice. If you want to be part of these conversations, send me a DM.